Friday, June 28, 2013
Sex for Survivors... Good Touch vs. Bad Touch.
Hello Survivors and Partners,
I want to discuss the topic of TOUCH. Touch is a sense we all have. The feelings our brain communicates from different touches can soothe or hurt us.
As survivors, touch can be a trigger. In the beginning with my husband, there were times he would walk up behind me and wrap his arms around me in a hug.
Sometimes I would tense up, hold my breath, jump, or squirm. I had been preconditioned that this particular kind of embrace/touch led to pain and dark things. While I know in my head that was NEVER my husbands intention, my response was subconscious and automatic.
It took practice, communication, and deep breaths to come to a place where I was comfortable with this embrace. My husband has learned how to decipher my mental state simply by my response to his touch. He can tell by the way I touch or don't touch him where I am mentally in a moment. It is important as a survivor partner to tune in to this kind of sensitivity to help gauge whether or not your survivor is ready for an intimate encounter.
Yes, survivors, we should learn to use our voices and say, "no", we are not ready. It is difficult to say this when we want to so badly to be wholly available to our mates. However, the pressure a survivor places on his/her self mentally and the preconditioning our abusers used to manipulate us can make finding our voice in that moment futile. So, partners, learn to hear what your survivor is NOT saying verbally.
Your survivors body will tell you what they are ready for.
Don't be afraid to ask if you may or may not touch us in any certain way.
Partners, do NOT be afraid to back off if you find yourself sweating over whether or not we are ready for an intimate encounter.
Survivors, Partners... it is ok to NOT be ready for sex, foreplay, or intimate touching. It is NOT however okay to NOT be honest about that.
Manage each other expectations with conversation long before sex is brought to the table. Give yourself permission to say "no" if you need or want to.
Partners, I want to share with you for a moment some tips on things my husband did to help me in the bedroom. My husband is a passive lover. He doesn't usually instigate love making. Not because he doesn't want to at times. This actually works to his advantage though. As a survivor, when I get to be in control, on top, making requests, etc., in the bedroom I feel empowered. My confidence is built up, and well.... it feeds an appetite for a healthy, ABUNDANT sex life. Give your survivor the upper hand in the bedroom. Let them have total control to play, explore, touch, and ENJOY healthy sexual intimate touch.
Usually when my husband and I make love we do it twice in a row. Other than the fact we both enjoy sex that much, there is a practical reason for this. There was a season in our sex life where the 1st round (or several depending on how many times I "exploded") of sex was it for me. I got to instigate, be in control, choose the position(s), and get my pleasure first. Then my ever so patient husband would get his turn. It switches up from time to time now. Sometimes I just want to pleasure him first and wait to "get mine." I believe our sex today is so wonderful because, 1) I chose to recklessly abandon my past, and 2) because my husband allowed me a season of being the instigator and in charge.
My husband will share more on this later and how he treated our sex life like I was a virgin.
Survivors if you and your partner choose to try this, make an effort to engage your partner intimately and sexually as often as you can. If you feel too much pressure mentally, SAY SO and let your partner know. Tell your partner what you DO like. This can be so much more effective than saying "No, I don't like that... or that... or"...you get the idea.
If you love a good foot rub... TELL YOUR PARTNER. If you get excited when your partner rubs their fingers through your hair, TELL THEM.
Your partner is just that... a partner. They want to pleasure you and make your feel safe as much as you want that. Give yourself permission to let your partner in.
Get your good touch on!