Friday, June 28, 2013

Sex for Survivors... Good Touch vs. Bad Touch.

Hello Survivors and Partners,

I want to discuss the topic of TOUCH. Touch is a sense we all have. The feelings our brain communicates from different touches can soothe or hurt us.
As survivors, touch can be a trigger. In the beginning with my husband, there were times he would walk up behind me and wrap his arms around me in a hug.
Sometimes I would tense up, hold my breath, jump, or squirm. I had been preconditioned that this particular kind of embrace/touch led to pain and dark things. While I know in my head that was NEVER my husbands intention, my response was subconscious and automatic.
It took practice, communication, and deep breaths to come to a place where I was comfortable with this embrace. My husband has learned how to decipher my mental state simply by my response to his touch. He can tell by the way I touch or don't touch him where I am mentally in a moment. It is important as a survivor partner to tune in to this kind of sensitivity to help gauge whether or not your survivor is ready for an intimate encounter.
Yes, survivors, we should learn to use our voices and say, "no", we are not ready. It is difficult to say this when we want to so badly to be wholly available to our mates. However, the pressure a survivor places on his/her self mentally and the preconditioning our abusers used to manipulate us can make finding our voice in that moment futile. So, partners, learn to hear what your survivor is NOT saying verbally.
Your survivors body will tell you what they are ready for.
Don't be afraid to ask if you may or may not touch us in any certain way.
Partners, do NOT be afraid to back off if you find yourself sweating over whether or not we are ready for an intimate encounter.

Survivors, Partners... it is ok to NOT be ready for sex, foreplay, or intimate touching. It is NOT however okay to NOT be honest about that.
Manage each other expectations with conversation long before sex is brought to the table. Give yourself permission to say "no" if you need or want to.

Partners, I want to share with you for a moment some tips on things my husband did to help me in the bedroom. My husband is a passive lover. He doesn't usually instigate love making. Not because he doesn't want to at times. This actually works to his advantage though. As a survivor, when I get to be in control, on top, making requests, etc., in the bedroom I feel empowered. My confidence is built up, and well.... it feeds an appetite for a healthy, ABUNDANT sex life. Give your survivor the upper hand in the bedroom. Let them have total control to play, explore, touch, and ENJOY healthy sexual intimate touch.
Usually when my husband and I make love we do it twice in a row.  Other than the fact we both enjoy sex that much, there is a practical reason for this. There was a season in our sex life where the 1st round (or several depending on how many times I "exploded") of sex was it for me. I got to instigate, be in control, choose the position(s), and get my pleasure first. Then my ever so patient husband would get his turn. It switches up from time to time now. Sometimes I just want to pleasure him first and wait to "get mine." I believe our sex today is so wonderful because, 1) I chose to recklessly abandon my past, and 2) because my husband allowed me a season of being the instigator and in charge.
My husband will share more on this later and how he treated our sex life like I was a virgin.

Survivors if you and your partner choose to try this, make an effort to engage your partner intimately and sexually as often as you can. If you feel too much pressure mentally, SAY SO and let your partner know. Tell your partner what you DO like. This can be so much more effective than saying "No, I don't like that... or that... or" get the idea.
If you love a good foot rub... TELL YOUR PARTNER. If you get excited when your partner rubs their fingers through your hair, TELL THEM.
Your partner is just that... a partner. They want to pleasure you and make your feel safe as much as you want that. Give yourself permission to let your partner in.

Get your good touch on!


  1. This is great and all, but this never happened with my ex. We separated last november. He would touch me in a triggersome spot and when i moved his hand away, he would continue doing it. Even advance sex when I didn't want to. When I said no, which only happened maybe twice, he went and slept on the couch and told me, 'let me know when i can touch my wife again,' with an attitude. Too much to put in a comment. Let's just say, when I asked to let me be as involved in the intimacy as he was because I realized I dissociated a lot (which he never asked if i was ok), he told me no, and when i got upset, he told me that it was unfair of me to make him feel guilty for not wanting to. So he could f me (knowing I dissociated, even making me feel guilty after he finished for "not being there") but he could not touch me. In fact, he told me "he knew when i did not want it or when I wanted it to be over with, so he just tried to hurry". Told me he knew when I checked out, (were married for 4 years at that point) but never once stopped or asked me if i was ok. He kept going every time (idk how many times i dissociated), and it wasn't until i mentioned it almost 2 years ago, until he said yeah he knew.

  2. Kris,I am sorry and utterly horrified that your husband would treat you in such a way. Let me assure you that you deserve so much better. I can hardly stand the thought of what you have related here. I can also assure you that your husband doesn't give a rat's behind about anything other than his own desires. While I do not like divorce, I'd have to say that I cannot see how you'd not be better off without him. Unfortunately, this individual (I refuse to refer to him as a "man"), has perpetrated horrible abuses to you and the relationship that you formerly shared. He is in a very real sense, no better than a rapist. A real man would never rape or sexually assault his bride, or anyone for that matter. Again, I'm sorry that this happened to you.
    I want you to notice that humans are creatures of habit. I point to this because it is in the realm of possibility that you selected this person because they felt familiar. It sounds to me that he was a jerk and became progressively more of the same as time marched on. You have every right to dictate what you will and will not allow whenever and wherever you please. Please be assured in that. I only hope and pray that moving forward that you recognize who you are dealing with before you become intimate with a man again.
    I pray and am hopeful that you find peace in your healing journey. I also hope and pray that, God willing, you are able to be found by a "real man" who can love and respect you, and keep you in a place of safety. Kris, you deserve to be respected, loved and safe from abuse and all manner of danger.
    Please, keep the faith as this individual is not representative of men at large.


  3. Thank you for what you've said. This is just some things that have surfaced over our 5 year marriage. I've had close friends tell me he's a rapist and that he raped and sexually assaulted me, but I have been struggling to see that. Like when I told him I didn't wanna have sex and he kept pursing until I stopped saying no or when I told him no, and tried to stop him from doing oral on me, yet he did it anyways. It would take far more explanation and conversation to address the whole topic. Maybe I commented here looking for answers from an outsider who hasn't heard everything I've dealt with in the last 2 years. Maybe I think they're biased or I've said things different. Needing to know from someone on the outside sees what they see. I don't know. Thank you for listening to me anyways. And yes, i understand i gravitated to what was familiar. And I hope I learn from my past and find a man who loves and cherishes me in every aspect.

  4. I dont know how that happened but apparently Wordpress and my Google+ logged themselves in. I promise it's still me. The same person.