I move with the agility of an 80 year old arthritic woman. My walk is slow, I feel stiff even though there is no stiffness in my joints. My face feels too heavy to smile and my jaw feels locked.
My joints though not stiff, ache. They ache from not having a proper amount of fat or muscle to cover them. It hurts to lay down in one position for too long. Something falls asleep or a hip pops out of the socket and I am stuck in pain.
My doctor believes I am healthy as a horse and just a "little" under weight.
My opinion, 92 lbs is too small even for a 24 year old 5.4 petite frame.
I eat, but it's becoming more and more forced. I feel so detached at times.
I love my son and my husband but, I struggle feeling good enough for them.
Good enough to deserve them, good enough to be worthy of their love and affection towards me.
It's time again to see my therapist and doctor about increasing my meds.
I feel defeated in the need to do so. I feel like I failed on this smaller dose.
What are my rapists and abusers suffering?
Nothing, that's what.
Here I am in therapy, on medication, in support groups, blogging, drawing and anything I can do to try and help myself recover and still...I am plagued with nightmares, this stupid depression and more.
Anger... how I hate that you are there and won't come out.
You frighten me and comfort me. I have no idea what to do with you and yet I want so badly to express you to a degree in which I would feel justified and effective.
Tears... where did you go? Do you not know I am hurting and need to feel you slowly run down my face like the caress of an angel letting me know it's real?
Fear... you're an unfortunate constant. You and anxiety seem to know where to find me easily enough. I feel as though you, like my father, and the devil laugh at my pain and enjoy torturing me.
Nightmares... Yes, you mental rapist. CURSE YOU! You love to chase me and trap me. It's a sick game of cat and mouse you play with my head at night. No matter where, when or how I sleep you are there. No matter how many times I wake up or jump in my sleep you infiltrate my head.
I hate you...all of you... depression and all you bring and steal from me.
This is a bad day...no, this is a bad week.
I'm so tired.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
There are images of an elevator, my sister and a knowing she is pregnant and then another image of my father. Things get fuzzy and clear off and on and then next thing I hear in my mind is "You were never going to take care of me anyway! You never have!" It was my sisters voice in response to my father kicking her out of the house.
Things get dark and a horrible feeling of doom overwhelms me. I can't see anything and I wake up abruptly.
The body memory:
I hear the low hum of the air conditioner at work in our room. Jimmy is laying next to me on his stomach tucked snug in the sheets.
I am wide awake and feel cramping in my abdomen. Then I feel moisture running down my legs.
This is unusual and confusing. I throw the sheets and blanket back and sit up in bed there is blood.
Now I'm more confused and freaked out. "It's not time yet.." I say to myself.
I get up and go the bathroom to clean up and feel humiliated and embarrassed.
I get back in bed and try to sleep but at this point I am too afraid to sleep.
The next day I am more confused about the previous nights nightmare and cramping with bleeding. I did not bleed anymore the rest of the day...or the next.
What I had is what is known as a somatic memory... or body memory.
It's when a memory is stored in your body instead of your mind. I know my father abused me far worse than just back handing me and throwing me across the room from time to time. I know there are deeper scars from more than his verbal abuse on my heart. I have memory gaps in my childhood and there is no doubt in me that these gaps are repressed memories from sick and degrading abuse inflicted upon me by my father. The memories have been suppressed unto my body...and come out in the form of cramping, bleeding, weird bruising, chronic back pain, and more. My body has a flashback instead of my mind.
I know that until I got my first period my childhood is VERY fuzzy.
I also know that when I did get my period my father loathed me. He wouldn't come near me except to hurt me and even told me not to touch him.
He was in no danger of me wanting to be near him anyway.
When something triggers me to get that feeling of doom like I had in the nightmare I get cramps and usually back pain. I have no memories though.
This body memory and the pain I feel is VERY real and this is a defense mechanism against the nightmares and suppressed memories. Or as some would have it...LACK thereof.
Mentally I could not handle the hell I was put though so my body took the memory on in physical form and holds it there.
I will need much therapy to learn how to cope with this and decide on proper treatment.
I HATE this!
I have a life time of recovery ahead of me and I struggle with everything from physical pain to emotional and mental anguish from my past abuse.
I feel as though the only thing my abusers are suffering is old age...something we are all damned too.
Paul was right, "to die is gain"... and some day's I struggle wishing I had died long ago. It would have been a mercy.
However, I must not leave this verse or partial verse out of context.
Because Paul also said "To live is Christ,"
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Paul spoke this while in chains... imprisoned in his own kind of hell.
He was not speaking from behind the comfort of a solid pulpit with "safe" religious people.
He was speaking covered in filth, and chained. He starts by speaking about how all this horror he was suffering and had suffered served only to advance The kingdom.
The verse prior to the above says:
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."
To live is Christ... what is Christ?
Christ is a living sacrifice, a death to sin, both sin committed by and against the body.
The physical death was the body or somatic reaction to sin.
The wages of sin is DEATH.
Yet, in this death... Christ is glorified.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Incest, the Emotional and Spiritual Form of Cannibalism.
"It's normal for siblings to touch each other and explore their bodies and sexuality."
I heard this before... even from my own mothers mouth not in these exact words but with the exact implication of this statement.
What about fathers touching daughters? Or mothers touching sons?
What about when the older brother is himself a rape victim acting out the nightmares and horrors that were done to him upon his little sister?
What about that hideous dirty old uncle who has a porn addiction and works around used and abused women daily and targets the weak...even his own niece?
These family members prey upon the weak... and then devour them spiritually and emotionally.
They shame them, guilt them, hurt them and then cook them up or "groom" them to satisfy their filthy hungers.
Are you hungry or feeding?
In some way you are either hungry and going for what satisfies your appetite or you are feeding someones appetite.
In the animal kingdom there are 2 kinds of animals... the predator and the prey.
Animals with eyes close together are predators (dogs, cats, etc.) and animals with eyes far apart are prey (horses, chickens, cows etc.). Humans fall under the predator mindset of course. We are hunters, fighters and feeders. We feed off each others energy by either dominating them or following their lead. We feed off what others around us project or send out. You will fight, or you will flee.
You will be dominating or dominated. period.
What about the rape and assault victims though?
They fall under the category... BROKEN.
They are dead, half eaten and broken. Because someone decided to dominate them and instead of protecting them as a leader... murdered them and ate them. They had a hunger, a cannibalistic hunger to attack a weaker of their species and murder who they could have been.
When a dog is attacked or trapped and cannot escape they fight or flee and in some cases the dog will freeze... or go into shock.
One example is the dog who stands in the bath tub and shakes the entire time even though his body temperature is normal and he will shake from shock because he cannot run or fight this thing he fears.
When a dog is praised or coddled during this experience it teaches him to continue projecting this fear and shock state of energy and he will always react this way to the bath until someone, a dominate leader works with him and does not feed this energy with coddling or sympathetic petting.
A rape victim is often done this way as well.
Thrown on a bed, or up against a wall, maybe even on the floor and then attacked until her predators hunger is satisfied. When she cannot get away she will go into shock and try to at least mentally escape her hell in that moment. Her attacker especially if it's a family member will coddle and praise her... "groom" her for her next attack and she will hide from the world and be trapped mentally for future attacks until something gives.
Is there hope for the broken?
It not easy, it is hard, it is scary for the broken but it is possible.
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." Psalm 28:7 ESV
When you cannot be dominate, but fear being dominated.... look for where your strength lies and be dominated by it from within.
You don't have be devoured anymore.
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
You don't have to be a victim anymore... you are worth living and fighting for.
Someone else, a higher power, has already paid the price for your death.
You are so loved, a life was already devoured for you...a sacrifice was already paid for you so you don't have be dead anymore.
"16 “For God so loved the world,[a] that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16