Wednesday, June 12, 2013

There's No Place Like Home

So often this phrase "There's no place like home" is said with a fondness of "home".
Sadly, for me and many fellow survivors that is the not the case, though the phrase itself is just as true.

There is no place like home. Where I grew up boys were raised to be 'yes' men. Women were to support their 'yes' men by doing everything in the name of said man.
Even if your husband was abusive to you and, or your children... as the old Tammy Wynette song went, you were to "Stand by your man, and show the world you love him."
 After all this 'yes' man left his mother for you. According to the bible (Gen 2:24& Matt 19:5) he was to leave his parents and hold fast to you. (One of the many great examples of the error in topical preaching that I grew up with.)
Being a wife wasn't practiced as a mutual agreement thing. Women gave themselves to their husbands and children. This was their reward and punishment for being a wife.
If a child spoke out against their father the mother was to side with the father no matter if the child was right or wrong. There were no consequences for a parent in the wrong, just for the child who spoke out about it.

There is no place like home. Growing up, my parents had these "family meetings" and "morning devotions" they were basically gatherings for my siblings and I to learn what 'master father' wanted of us that day or forever. We were told we could share our thoughts and feelings about certain issues, but really this was a trap to get us in trouble for being out of 'master father's' will.
Our jobs growing up were to work the family ranch and to do that work according to 'master father's' plan. It did not matter what we (the children) wanted or were truly capable of. We were to do what we were told. We were expected to do the work of grown men regardless our age or size.
This ruined my back and to this day I live in chronic lower back pain and cannot even pick up my toddler son anymore because of the pain it causes me physically.
 Oh sure I did and learned many things growing up on a ranch that most people only learn about if they care to google, but never experience. Things like training horses or milking a cow. I love these memories of my childhood. However the cost for these experiences was too much.

There is no place like home. No place will ever make my stomach churn as much as the thought of home life. Nothing can give nightmares like the thought of being back home.
There is no place that will hold my best and worst memories like home.
There is no place like home... there is no place like home that I will never be welcome back to nor do I want to be. There is no place like home that will sell me out. There is no place like home that will take the path of least resistance and believe rapists over their own daughter.

The saying is so true. There is no place like home.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Joy

    Came across your post via a Facebook link posted by one of the members in my private Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE IN FAMILIES

    What you wrote makes me wonder how ingrained this kind of thinking is in many people's minds as a result of their upbringing. It certainly explains why so many victims of incest cannot speak out about it, even as adults, and why these victims felt so re-victimized by their mothers who did nothing to help them even if they knew it was going on. So terribly sad and wrong.

    I wrote a similar post in my blog, but for different reasons, where I stated HOME IS WHERE YOU ARE NEVER YOURSELF. I can certainly relate to what you felt and still feel today. Hugs and kudos to you for "Speaking Out From Under"!