In an attempt to ... Actually I'm not sure what I was thinking but, I decided to let my sister back in my life recently. It was short lived.
I was proud of myself for handling it they way I did. I reminded myself that I
deserved a healthy relationship -not just any relationship I could
possible make work - like in previous attempts with my sister.
She instigated it actually. She sent a friendly exchange and I felt it
was a good sign. I let her know up front that, I was willing to have her
in my life if we both set fair boundaries.
My boundary was, do not talk about our parents.
Hers, do not talk about the past.
I did not bother to ask what specifically about the past she wanted to
avoid but, I took my chance to apologize for my lies and hurting her.
She apologized for her down falls and it seemed like a promising fresh start.
I wanted to Skype with her and we agreed to do so one afternoon. An
afternoon I had set aside plans and waited to hear from her. After 2
hours and no word from her I finally sent her a message asking that the
next time she can't do something she agreed to, to please let me know
even if it was the last minute. It was cordial but, apparently not
worthy of a response.
Only 48 hours later she sent me a message to "please pray for mom."
I just shook my head, shrugged my shoulders and showed the message to my husband.
Without saying anything he hugged me and waited until I was ready to speak about it.
I didn't have much to say, I was hurt and disappointed. Actually, I had a
lot to say but, none of it would change a thing. She never responded
about not Skyping and then crossed my one and only boundary. I didn't
respond to her message.
A few weeks later my sister sent another message "Ok, so I know you are
still in the middle of a little hissy fit and probably won't respond to
this because you think the silent treatment is the mature thing to do.
But I don't care..."
Her transmission continued on with things about recent family happenings. Further disappointed I took a deep breath.
Having a hissy? Doesn't that require some kind of action... Not LACK of
response? Silent treatment? So I am immature too? None of it matters
though because... She doesn't care. Wow.
I decided this was all a big misunderstanding, she couldn't possibly mean
these things she said (except she did) and regardless I wanted to give
her an explanation.
So it began.
Me: What would I be having a "hissy" about?
Her: beats me
Me: Then why assume that's what's going on? Why not ask?
Her: I shouldn't have to. You can act like an adult and just tell me the truth. I don't need games.
...Because assuming I'm having a hissy is the adult thing to do and not a game at all!
Me: There are no games. We had a deal. Don't talk about our parents...
You did. That's not a game. It's a boundary you crossed. Also you never
responded when I asked you to give me a heads up if you couldn't Skype
cause I had planned a whole afternoon around it.
Her: Wow, you like have no grace do you?
Now we are whipping out the Christian-ese guns. Woo!
From there the conversation attempts a turn around. Until she finally
admits what is really bothering her. (Note: names are removed for
Her: For one, I'm upset that you contacted the extended family to tell
them about the ---situation. Although I know you say it was because you
wanted to protect the other girls. You and I both know that --- hardly
ever sees the other girls and never without adult supervision. Go ahead
and get mad if you want but I have to be honest and tell you that I
don't feel like that was the right thing to do.
Her: The second thing is that all you post on fb is about rape and
assault. You're life has moved so far beyond that. Why don't you focus
your energies on something you love instead of the past?
Hold up, isn't this part of the past? Was that not HER boundary? I guess
that is my fault for not asking for clarification on what "past" meant
before. In the spirit of being "honest" how about, I don't give a
single care what you think about me contacting the family about our
I did my best to remain calm and assertive and not let her push me to having a "hissy."
So, dear readers... Please, tell me. What is the time frame in which a rape and incest victim should Get Over It?
My therapist must not be doing her job because I was unaware of such a time boundary for healing from rape.
The things I post on Facebook are #1 not her problem. #2 Encouraging other survivors like myself #3 Really?
What do I know, it's only my FB page?
My sister continued with page upon page.
Her: True or not isn't this issue at all.
...(About me being raped by this relative.)
I do, however, feel that you
were trying to start a family feud 100%. I just think its interesting
that instead of talking to me about anything at all (your sister), you
chose to tell everyone else in the family. You didn't want me to bare
the "horrible burden" but you had no problem telling everyone else. I
would just like to know why that makes sense to you. I should have been
the first person you told. But instead I am the last. I'm mad at you for
that. I mad at you because I was the perfect sister and you treated me
like I was an enemy AGAIN. And you know I think this past month of this
immature silent treatment just sent me over the edge. I'm sick of
reaching out to you and getting burned.
Did I miss something? If my memory serves me correctly, this is the
first time since I left town 3 years ago I've heard from her. You caught
the part where she was the perfect sister, right? So, is it safe to
assume she doesn't believe me about being raped? I guess, I'm playing
more games and trying to "start a family feud." --Because, I emailed
other family members about a rapist relative. My bad.
She is right though, I should have told her about being raped before
telling others. However, aside from trying to protect her in the past, I
don't recall her being there for me when I confessed to the family
about my rapist brother.
Back to the perfect sister though.
Her: I'm sick of my friends knowing about it all too. I want to get away
from it. But you keep talking about it and I feel like they look at me
as if something is wrong with my family.
Awe, so you're embarrassed by me and the truth. Ok. Btw, FYI there IS
something wrong with the family and it's NOT me. Also, how can any of
her friends (whom I blocked from my FB on purpose) know about my
"---situation" unless someone else is talking? Uh and why do we care
what they think? Real friends would act like... Real friends.. No?
Her: I want you to get past it and move on with your life. Rehashing it
doesn't help anybody no matter what you think. Talking about the
Holocaust doesn't help the victims. What truly helps them is a place of
peace to heal and start again. The victory is when you become a person
that no one ever suspects to have once been a victim.
Oh my goodness! You know about holocaust victims? Who talked about it!
Tsk tsk! It was that Anne Frank girl I bet! Glad my sister stopped me from
writing about it. Wait a minute....
Again, my therapist is totally failing, she told me to talk about it. I
am supposed to hide it...? Thanks professionals, my sister has all the
There are more pages but, her final message to me was "I'm done."
I kept calm and let her speak. I knew if I let her blast away I would
get a very clear picture of her and what she really believes. My husband
told me "People always tell you who they are if you just listen." Holy
cow was he right! This case was no exception.
As disappointing as it all ended, it is equally a relief to know that I
don't have to have this in my life. My sister is a grown woman who can't
even respect her own boundaries. Her ability to have "Grace" about another's abuse recovery, (let alone her sisters) is non existent. She
believes she has a great relationship with her parents and her sister is
simply a liar.
I am honestly okay with that. It makes it easier for me to let her go from my life .
I am free to talk about my past and share my story as a survivor of rape
and incest. My sister stayed far away from any conversation regarding
my oldest brother instrumentally raping me multiple times as a child.
She also stayed far away from any conversation about our abusive father.
I guess she has arrived in her healing and doesn't need to talk about
these things. No one would ever know her father was the controlling,
manipulative, abusive type because of how well she hides it. Except that
anyone paying a little bit of attention can tell that's not true at
all. I know because I lived like that before. Pretending life was great
and there was nothing "off" about the relationship between me and my
father or family in general. Many people saw right through me but, no
one had nerve to call me out on it. Until my husband.
Her story is her own and she is free to share it how she pleases.
This is my story though and how I care to share it so, get over it.