Sunday, June 30, 2013

Sex for Survivors: Redefining Sex

Today Joy and her husband P.J., take a look at redefining sex for survivors from the partners perspective. Joy shares some intimate details of her WRONG ideas about sex before P.J.
In today's webisode P.J. shares on how he viewed sex with Joy as being similar to sex with a virgin.
Survivors and Partners are encouraged to watch this together and discuss.
Remember, any questions can be sent to REVJHG@HOTMAIL.COM , or in the comment section below.


Saturday, June 29, 2013

Sex for Survivors... Suffering Partners.

Partners, do you feel like you suffer symptoms with your survivor at times?

Do you feel overwhelmed trying understanding your survivor and how to help them?
What about a help manual for when they start having a panic attack? Anxiety attack? Flash back?

Does it frustrate you to no end that YOU are the one suffering through the "walls" your survivor puts up to protect herself/himself because of past abuse(s)?
Wouldn't it be nice to get a break from something you did not ask to inherit?
Wouldn't it be nice to not feel punished at times for some monster's transgressions on your survivor?
Don't you hate wrestling with "If I couldn't do this anymore would my survivor make it without me?"

Partners, you're not alone and as a survivor let me say: I am sorry!
I am sorry there is not much material out there to help you find support.
I am sorry for the lies your survivor may tell you out of fear and trying to somehow protect you from her/his horrible past.
I am sorry for the truths that will come out about your survivors' past that will rip your heart out and bring new pain to you.
I am sorry that you won't be allowed to be anything but strong for your partner while you're dying for them on the inside. 
I am sorry that there will be times when you intimately touch your survivor with only pure intentions and watch them suffer an attack. 
I am sorry for the overwhelming EVERYTHING that comes with being in love and in relationship with a survivor.
Your part in the journey of recovery... SUCKS!
It CAN be the most rewarding but, you won't know if that is the case for you and your survivor until you get there. OUCH!

There are some beautiful and amazing things your survivor holds for you but, there is also a lot of WORK involved for you.

Partners, you're not alone. If you find yourself suffering for your survivor, get help.
Reach out. If you're going to make it with your survivor you have to get involved in the healing process by getting "down and dirty" in it with your survivor.  That means going to therapy, counseling, studying, or reading to help you understand your survivor. The pain you feel is fresh and your survivor has been baring the burden of their past for a long while.
Often it just helps to know you're not alone. 
If you have questions or just need to vent the aches of your heart in a safe place and your next counseling session isn't soon enough. Please, email REVJHG@HOTMAIL.COM 

Friday, June 28, 2013

Sex for Survivors... Good Touch vs. Bad Touch.

Hello Survivors and Partners,

I want to discuss the topic of TOUCH. Touch is a sense we all have. The feelings our brain communicates from different touches can soothe or hurt us.
As survivors, touch can be a trigger. In the beginning with my husband, there were times he would walk up behind me and wrap his arms around me in a hug.
Sometimes I would tense up, hold my breath, jump, or squirm. I had been preconditioned that this particular kind of embrace/touch led to pain and dark things. While I know in my head that was NEVER my husbands intention, my response was subconscious and automatic.
It took practice, communication, and deep breaths to come to a place where I was comfortable with this embrace. My husband has learned how to decipher my mental state simply by my response to his touch. He can tell by the way I touch or don't touch him where I am mentally in a moment. It is important as a survivor partner to tune in to this kind of sensitivity to help gauge whether or not your survivor is ready for an intimate encounter.
Yes, survivors, we should learn to use our voices and say, "no", we are not ready. It is difficult to say this when we want to so badly to be wholly available to our mates. However, the pressure a survivor places on his/her self mentally and the preconditioning our abusers used to manipulate us can make finding our voice in that moment futile. So, partners, learn to hear what your survivor is NOT saying verbally.
Your survivors body will tell you what they are ready for.
Don't be afraid to ask if you may or may not touch us in any certain way.
Partners, do NOT be afraid to back off if you find yourself sweating over whether or not we are ready for an intimate encounter.

Survivors, Partners... it is ok to NOT be ready for sex, foreplay, or intimate touching. It is NOT however okay to NOT be honest about that.
Manage each other expectations with conversation long before sex is brought to the table. Give yourself permission to say "no" if you need or want to.

Partners, I want to share with you for a moment some tips on things my husband did to help me in the bedroom. My husband is a passive lover. He doesn't usually instigate love making. Not because he doesn't want to at times. This actually works to his advantage though. As a survivor, when I get to be in control, on top, making requests, etc., in the bedroom I feel empowered. My confidence is built up, and well.... it feeds an appetite for a healthy, ABUNDANT sex life. Give your survivor the upper hand in the bedroom. Let them have total control to play, explore, touch, and ENJOY healthy sexual intimate touch.
Usually when my husband and I make love we do it twice in a row.  Other than the fact we both enjoy sex that much, there is a practical reason for this. There was a season in our sex life where the 1st round (or several depending on how many times I "exploded") of sex was it for me. I got to instigate, be in control, choose the position(s), and get my pleasure first. Then my ever so patient husband would get his turn. It switches up from time to time now. Sometimes I just want to pleasure him first and wait to "get mine." I believe our sex today is so wonderful because, 1) I chose to recklessly abandon my past, and 2) because my husband allowed me a season of being the instigator and in charge.
My husband will share more on this later and how he treated our sex life like I was a virgin.

Survivors if you and your partner choose to try this, make an effort to engage your partner intimately and sexually as often as you can. If you feel too much pressure mentally, SAY SO and let your partner know. Tell your partner what you DO like. This can be so much more effective than saying "No, I don't like that... or that... or" get the idea.
If you love a good foot rub... TELL YOUR PARTNER. If you get excited when your partner rubs their fingers through your hair, TELL THEM.
Your partner is just that... a partner. They want to pleasure you and make your feel safe as much as you want that. Give yourself permission to let your partner in.

Get your good touch on!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Consistent Good Things

I wrote this around 2 years ago. I decided I want to share today.  Sometimes it is good to see where you've been.

The Consistent Good Things

I am only twenty three and I have no clue what the phrase “settling down” truly means.
I understand the meaning of it but to fully comprehend it, what it feels like and experience it... I am clueless.

In my life the only consistent things growing up have been bad things. Things like being hungry, being in pain, losing a pet or person, etc.

At twenty three I find myself on the verge of becoming a mother and currently I am a wife. These are life altering, life long changes that “settle” me in many ways.
There are behaviors I’ve dropped, thought processes I’ve changed, and spiritual awakenings that can never be put back to sleep.
It’s all a part of this thing we call growing up. I am not afraid of it or at least I wasn’t as afraid of it as I am now. It does seems as though it gets more and more intense and fierce as I plunge deeper into it’s existence.

Fear, this is a nasty demon I seem to battle in nearly everything I do.
Obviously I don’t comprehend perfect love or else it would cast this savage out from me.
Back to my point.
I am young, I don’t feel it but it’s true. I guess young people don’t feel how juvenile they really are, as the elderly feel the age in which they really are.

I have a wonderful husband. He keeps nothing from me and never leaves me wanting.
My son is due to make his debut into this cruel barbaric world any day now.
I can not intelligently express my feelings of love, devotion, passion and so much more that I have for this gift of a child.
These are two of the best consistent things in my life, my husband and son.
They make me want to be better and more resolved, grounded, reconciled, focused, all these things that are summed up in being “settled”.

The scary part of it all is just the unknown. I’ve only known the consistent bad things.
I have this amazing, beautiful opportunity in my life to know the consistent good things from here on out with my husband and son.

If only I can let go of what I have known and embrace the unknown.

This is my chance, my one shot. This is a miracle that shows God has made a way where I once believed there was none.

The rest of my life will be, the consistent good things.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Victim to Survivor to Warrior

I am not finished with my series on Sex for Survivors but, today I wanted to share my heart.

Dear Rapists,

You tried to kill me from the inside out.
Each one of you took this little girl and put her through hell and when you were done, passed me off to the next monster.
For years I lived in fear, shame, and the darkness of your shadow.
My whole life was lived groomed to appease your wicked appetites.
Beating me, tearing flesh, yelling, and bullying me, these were your handicraft.
You lived without any fear of being found out. You had me so beaten down and silenced.

It's about to change for you.

When I became a survivor you only thought you had to worry about being found out.
When I became a survivor you started hiding, and immediately cried out that I was a liar.
You only just started to comprehend the feelings of fear and insecurity.
You started throwing accusations and insults. It was never in your plan for this little girl to grow up.
You think it's bad enough I am a survivor and talking about what you did to me but, I got news for you.

I'm a warrior now and I'm coming for you.

You will be the ones having nightmares. Your hands will bleed from clenching your fists so hard your nails embed themselves in your skin. Your cold hearts will slowly start to rot alive. You are going to be afraid to hear my name. You will be the ones hurting and begging for mercy.

I will make you a deal though. I will never come to see you in person but, you will see me EVERYWHERE.
I am going to shout from the roof tops what each and everyone of you did to me.
Don't bother fearing whether or not I will tell, start figuring out what rock you're going to hide under until it's time for you to go back to hell where you came from.

If you're a rapist and you're reading this... run.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Sex for Survivors Part 2

Today my husband joins me to answer a question from a follower. He also gives some insight and perspective from the view of a survivor's partner.
We do not claim to be experts on this subject but, we are both willing to share our story and inspire others to hope and healing. So check out how you and your partner can have a "happy ending" after surviving sexual assault and abuse.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sex For Survivors Intro

Hello Readers,

I am switching things up a bit. Here is my latest blog post in video form.
This topic "Sex for Survivors." has turned into a series of short videos.
If you have questions regarding sex as a survivor or a partner of a survivor please email them to


Saturday, June 22, 2013

Finding My Joy ***Trigger Warning

Hi. I'm James. My wife is Joy Greggs.  I've been asked by my lovely wife to share a public dialogue about my experiences with her as a survivor of incest, rape, kidnapping, and all of the byproducts that accompany these horrific and impressionable episodes.  
Before we begin to do so, I thought that I should make her audience aware of a few things about both Joy and me.  First, I will get this out of the way. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child.  Fortunately for me, I was not left as overtly scarred and damaged by the aforementioned as many reading this have been left.  I can also tell you that in my opinion, that fact has much to do with the fact that I received a great deal of psychiatric care as a child. For this, I am extremely grateful and thankful to not only God, but my parents.
Another thing that I feel is germane to what we will be sharing over the coming blog posts, is that it was not without a great deal of perseverance, kindness, pain, perceived betrayal, research, therapy, and of course, love, that Joy and I have been able to enjoy the relationship that we now enjoy.  
Let me explain.  When I first learned of my wife's past, I was not told the truth by her.  This was extremely confusing. I fought a nearly constant battle between trying to understand the motives behind the lies, and understanding that she was suffering greatly.  I sought the wisdom of books, medical papers, therapists, friends, and family to help me to understand the mind of a woman that was suddenly not what I'd imagined.  In no way did I think less of her because of what happened to her.  I did however have an extremely hard time with the dishonesty.  You see, the lies were sustained without consistency.  If you will, Joy had a hard time keeping her lies straight.  There were many times both before and after convincing her to see a therapist that I'd thought I wasn't going to be able to be with her.  Somehow though, I've remained by her side and continued encouraging her toward becoming a healthy survivor and shedding the victim mentality.  I was terribly offended by the power that her horrible past had over her, and more unfortunately, me.  Part of the problem was in the fact that she was unable to admit that she was even raped.  It took a very long time for her to use that word.  She would instead say things like, "he took advantage", or "he had sex with me" (never, I had sex with him), or, "he forced me to"...  Now this may not seem like strange things to hear from your perspective.  I however found these exchanges most troubling.  For one thing, I have had zero experiences so much as pressuring a woman to engage in intercourse, least of all, forcing myself on someone.  I also have never experienced a freeze due to fear.  My instinct is to fight or fly.  This made things very difficult to wrap my head around.  Joy actually lived with the people who were doing her harm and more than that, sought no escape.  Again, very troubling.  When you couple that she didn't try to fight or run with the lies she'd tell me, I'm sure that you can see my struggle.  Again, something inside of me would not only not allow me to walk away from her, but had me fighting for her as well. 
Another thing that you should know about me is that I am acutely empathic, and sensitive.  I "know" things about people without being told.  This "gift" acts as both friend and foe. I have had to learn to discern that facts are not always representative of truth.  This realization is something that was learned recently.  The hard way.  
I will relate one final thought in this introduction.  If you are a survivor, please allow me to insert, if you are with someone that you are presently or plan to engage in sexual congress, please be honest with your partner as much as you can.  Truly there is no interpersonal experience so empowering and revealing as making love.  If you are a partner to a survivor, and you plan to engage in sexual congress with your partner, please don't take what you don't plan to keep.  The level of communication that you enjoy with your partner will be directly proportional to the mutual enjoyment of a healthy and happy sex life.  
Joy and I will be jointly posting over the next few days.  We look forward to seeing you all and encourage you to dialogue with us as you will.  

Friday, June 21, 2013

Sex For Survivors; Is There A 'Happy Ending' For Us? *TRIGGER WARNINGS*

Yes! It is not talked about much amongst survivors, but I am talking about it now.
Is there really such thing as a "happy ending" for survivors of rape and sexual assault?
Will there always be a battle of the mind when we think about the bedroom?

If you're a survivor and find yourself in love and committed but, you're unsure about intimacy,
let me give you hope, sex can be amazing! Yes! Sex can be amazing even for US the survivors!
Mind blowing, I know.

First, take a deep a breath.
Hope spells hard work and this is one area where you may have to work hard mentally.
I decided to take this blog to a whole new level for this subject.
First, let me introduce my husband, James H. Greggs.
He is a renaissance man, but today he wears the hat of "A Survivors Partner".
I wanted to bring him on this blog to give fellow survivors and their partners insight and hope for a 'Happy Ending.'

In the coming days we will start a conversation and dialogue about sex for survivors and their partners.
We want to take a look at how to deal with fear, anxiety and expectations in the bedroom.
I want to invite my fellow survivors and their partners to send in your questions and concerns.
Neither my husband or I claim to be experts in this area but, it is our hope that by sharing our story we can help others.
There is not much information out there for survivor partners and we hope to play a part in changing that.
 Stay tuned!

(Please send in your questions to

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Sorry, Serena... Not.

Okay people here we go.

Most of you heard the victim blaming comments Serena Williams (female tennis champ) made regarding the 16 year old girl in the Stuebenville rape case.

If by some off chance you missed it though, you can read about it here .

Serena fake apologized for the insensitive victim blaming and instead blamed the Rolling Stone writer for misquoting her.
The writers name is Stephen Rodrick and like any writer worth their salt, he stands by what he wrote.
His side of the story can be read at this location 

 Honestly, this is just sad.
Here we have a female role model who dominates her sport like no other in history and she doesn't understand the weight or her words.  Sometimes it is best to let your talents do the talking. The more talking she does the worse this looks for her.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Working out the wages.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
                                                                                                         Romans 6:23

If you read the above verse, if you're a survivor you may ask, "Why then, is my abuser alive?" Or, "Why am I suffering a living death (as I call it), at the hands of an abuser who is walking free?"
I want to share with my fellow survivors (and those looking for insight on the mind of a survivor), my struggle with this scripture when used in a topical message.

Here's the thing.... the key to this verse (my opinion), is the reminder there is a power bigger than us to save us. I've struggled hard with the idea of letting God be my higher, bigger power. My abusers were in a sense a higher, stronger power. How can I trust God to be bigger and more powerful than my abusers when He let it happen? 
Let me speak to the accusation that God is to blame for what happened to me.  
In the beginning God gave mankind free will. Then God allowed mankind's will to be tested. What is the point of having free will if you're not given the option of choosing death or life, right?
From there mankind repeatedly chose death. First the fruit, then brothers killing each other, and well, basically it did not take long for things to get ugly and death to rule.
So, God in all His infinite wisdom added an eternal "life" option. The sacrifice of His Son.
God is as much to blame for my hurt as He is my healing. Where evil has been allowed to triumph in my life, God has made a way for good to overcome. It is a journey and some days an all out war.

It is a struggle to not want to blame God for my pain because He gave us free will.
When I focus on my hurt, my nightmares and all the HELL of being a survivor, that is all I can see.
"You gave us free will God and look just at how I have suffered in life... and it all started before I ever had a fighting chance to understand good from evil! Why didn't you stop it? Where were you?"
Survivors, here is a painful hard truth. Even all of our hurt, anger and overwhelming sorrow we must remember... it is not about us.  

 Let's take a look back at Romans 6:23 again. "The wages of sin is death...."
Okay, religious folk. I have been taught my whole life "If you're gonna sin, sin big!" and "All sin is equal."
Sin is sin... I get that. Any and all sin leads to death.
I want to challenge you though, why is it assumed that all sin equals the same impact on earth?
It is my belief that, while yes, sin equals death eternally it's impact this side of that bridge are NOT all the same.
For instance if a stranger speeds past me on the highway in his car and gets pulled over it is no skin off my nose. He "sinned" he got caught and was given a penalty. It was not the roads fault, nor Gods.
Now, take abuse...A father rapes and abuses his daughter. What and who are affected by that?
First the daughter, that is easy enough. Next, any children she may ever have will be affected by this abuse, either by the absence of a grandfather in their life or by becoming fellow victims with their mother.
Any man who wants to get to know the daughter,  will have a lot to work through with her if he wants any kind of deep meaningful relationship. Not to mention there are more people OPENLY affected if the father is ever caught and stands trial or doesn't.
Both men sinned and this side of eternity the effects of one far out way the other. 
 The ripple effect of abuse/sin  through generations is haunting. It is one reason why people hate to think about it. "That can't possibly be in my family!"
It is not a hopeless situation for a family if a member has been abused. It can be overcome if they band together and choose Good, life, hope, love and most of all, God. Not just any god. God, the big enough, strong enough, high enough, Son sacrificing, eternal life giving, God. Romans is saying... yes, the wages of sin eternally are death BUT, the FREE gift of God is eternal life. This does not mean that this side of heaven evil won't have it's day in your life. It also means that even though you have suffered in life... if you're still breathing, it's not over.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I Don't Want Your God.

Not all survivors are Christians and sadly after being victimized less and less of them are likely to become Christ followers.

It is my belief the "Church" and "Religion" has failed them.
God has been presented to them in a flawed, small minded view.
The God I learned about growing up is not the god I want.

Sorry "church", but not all pagans are the rapist bad guys, and not all "church" folk are snow white lambs. Humans are humans, faith professing or otherwise. God didn't punish me for my sins by allowing me to be raped and abused repeatedly growing up. This was not His plan for me or ANYONE else.
God sent His Son to pay for my sins. Period. 
Unfortunately (yes, I am going there), God's sacrifice of His son also pays for the sins of my abusers.
This is why forgiveness needs a whole new perspective. 
I don't have any love or warmth or anything less than hatred for my abusers. Yes, I am a Christian and I have hate in my heart. It's a sin, but guess what?... Jesus died for it!
I am not using His death and resurrection (my beliefs) as an excuse for my sin. I am saying if God is not big enough to deal with the fact that I have not healed enough to not hate my abusers at this point in my journey, then I DON'T want Him. 
A God not big enough to handle this truth is NOT the God for me.
There needs to be more conversation on what forgiveness and healing look like for survivors.

 It is my hope to wake up the "CHURCH" to this deadly error. It is a disastrous commonality amongst the religious to judge and try to rationalize things they/we can't understand. I say "WE" because I personally have been guilty in other areas of judging and trying to rationalize things I feared and did not understand. Everyone has been guilty of this on some scale or another.

I think it is time to stop pretending like we have all the answers because we have God.
We have God because we DON'T have all the answers. We trust that He does. We live in a world that is in constant war between good and evil and where each human has free will. Some choose good and some choose evil. Good will "suffer" evil and visa versa. However, those who choose good, Christian or otherwise need to stand together in this; love the victims and stop trying to rationalize the irrational evil abuser.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Rape Culture. You brought this on yourself.

Growing up in a religious household it was taught that rape victims often bring it upon themselves. 
If you dress sexy, drink, smoke and, or have tattoos etc. Anything the uppity religious folk saw as sin was grounds for a woman to be raped or assaulted.

My own mother taught me that men were visual creatures so if they saw something that "caused them to stumble" it was the woman's (or whatever caught their attentions) fault. 

Is it any wonder it was so easy for me to blame myself for so long about my rapes?
I was only 3 the first time it happened. "I MUST have done something to cause my brother to "stumble". This was my self talk growing up. It wasn't even called rape in our house. It was called "sin".  Rape was something that happened to sluts, whores, and stupid girls that went out after dark. 
It only happened in alleyways or kidnap situations and by total strangers who were really monsters and wore ski masks.
In the house I grew up in rapists were not supposed to be fathers, brothers and uncles, but they were.

In the religious house I grew up in, rape or "sin" was the result of the victims own sin. When we (the victims) sinned and didn't repent fast enough we risked being "sinned" against or re-victimized.

It was also explained to me that women who get abortions because of a pregnancy from rape, were actually just whores looking for a way to escape the results of their "sin."

This is a taught mindset and it's dangerous.
If your goal is to raise sons and daughters who chase after purity and abstain from sex until they find the right person, this teaching is not how to accomplish that.
If you want raise a generation with less sexual immorality, abortions, std's and a gambit of other things, victim shaming is not the way to go. 
Teaching youth that partying, curiosity and asking questions only leads to more "sin" in the world, is not how we accomplish the aforementioned goals. 
 Setting up classes on "How not to get raped" are only band aides on a gaping social wound. The class needs to be "Don't rape, respect!"
The teaching needs to be, rapists won't get away with it and we will protect each other. 
Religious leaders need to teach the sheep that fearing things they can't understand is NOT faith.
If you want to be a part of a change, it is time to stop shaming and start standing with victims. 

The problem is religious people aren't likely to speak out on the subject of victim shaming.
It is high time we stop telling victims it's their fault God couldn't protect them from rape because they sinned.
 If God couldn't protect me from rape and assault then why bother begging for forgiveness?
 This thinking is twisted and not bible based.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Help Your Survivor Cry

"Baby, please don't cry."

It's a common mistake amongst non-survivors, asking a survivor to not, or stop crying.
This is not healthy for a survivor though. It doesn't matter if the non-survivor thinks they know why we are crying. Stifling tears is asking us to shut down.
Far too often survivors struggle to cry and allow their emotions to heal.
For me, it has been a war to get tears flowing.

Recently in an emotional moment about something that had nothing to do with anything, I found myself uncontrollably crying. I just hurt so deeply about something that was not even about me.
I was not mad or hurt about anyone in particular, I just needed a good cry. 
My husband walked in the room and thought my tears had something to do with another life situation. A situation that, is what it is and I am at peace with it. I just needed a cry.
It hurts my husband (as it does anyone who loves someone, especially a survivor) to watch me hurt and cry. "Baby, please don't cry." he said.
I couldn't stop. Tears kept flowing and I could not gain control. I told him that I just needed a moment I was overwhelmed. He gave me space, and when I was ready I went to him and we talked about it.
In the end he understood that I needed to cry. He thought he knew why I was crying and I could appreciate why he thought so. 
I have been to therapist after therapist to talk about my "feelings" and my past. I felt emotionally dead because I could recall some of the most horrific details but, I was unable to express emotion about them. What made this more difficult for me was the fact I could shed buckets of tears over other injustices.

For instance, I cry like a baby watching, reading or hearing any story about animal abuse or neglect. I connect so deeply with the pain of abuse and neglect that I hurt for innocent animals as if they were ME. I feel a knot growing in my throat as I type, thinking about those innocent animals.
I have come to understand this is normal for survivors.

One therapist (who I actually miss) explained it like this: Emotions are energy and energy can not be created or destroyed it can only be transferred (or expressed).  If not released willingly by it's vessel it will find another way out. A good example is when a person feels so much stress they end up with stomach ulcers or head aches etc. For me, I have distanced myself from my personal pain and struggle crying over it. When I see an innocent animal hurting my emotions (energy) are transferred on to them and their predicament. 
At this point in my recovery as long as I can find a way to cry and feel safe about it, that is most important.

If you're a loved one of a survivor and you happen to catch them in a moment of tears,
hold them and if you can. Cry with them. If they ask to be alone do not take this personally, give them that solitude. It does not matter so much WHY your survivor is crying, it is a small victory that they can and are doing so.
If you see your survivor expressing anger, help, or get help allowing them to do so in a healthy way.
If you canNOT handle this part of being a partner with your survivor be honest about it.

Will my husband be able to handle watching me cry and hold me in the future or, will he need to step away and give me space? In the end that does not matter so long as we are both honest about our strengths and weaknesses in my recovery.

Help your survivor cry.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

There's No Place Like Home

So often this phrase "There's no place like home" is said with a fondness of "home".
Sadly, for me and many fellow survivors that is the not the case, though the phrase itself is just as true.

There is no place like home. Where I grew up boys were raised to be 'yes' men. Women were to support their 'yes' men by doing everything in the name of said man.
Even if your husband was abusive to you and, or your children... as the old Tammy Wynette song went, you were to "Stand by your man, and show the world you love him."
 After all this 'yes' man left his mother for you. According to the bible (Gen 2:24& Matt 19:5) he was to leave his parents and hold fast to you. (One of the many great examples of the error in topical preaching that I grew up with.)
Being a wife wasn't practiced as a mutual agreement thing. Women gave themselves to their husbands and children. This was their reward and punishment for being a wife.
If a child spoke out against their father the mother was to side with the father no matter if the child was right or wrong. There were no consequences for a parent in the wrong, just for the child who spoke out about it.

There is no place like home. Growing up, my parents had these "family meetings" and "morning devotions" they were basically gatherings for my siblings and I to learn what 'master father' wanted of us that day or forever. We were told we could share our thoughts and feelings about certain issues, but really this was a trap to get us in trouble for being out of 'master father's' will.
Our jobs growing up were to work the family ranch and to do that work according to 'master father's' plan. It did not matter what we (the children) wanted or were truly capable of. We were to do what we were told. We were expected to do the work of grown men regardless our age or size.
This ruined my back and to this day I live in chronic lower back pain and cannot even pick up my toddler son anymore because of the pain it causes me physically.
 Oh sure I did and learned many things growing up on a ranch that most people only learn about if they care to google, but never experience. Things like training horses or milking a cow. I love these memories of my childhood. However the cost for these experiences was too much.

There is no place like home. No place will ever make my stomach churn as much as the thought of home life. Nothing can give nightmares like the thought of being back home.
There is no place that will hold my best and worst memories like home.
There is no place like home... there is no place like home that I will never be welcome back to nor do I want to be. There is no place like home that will sell me out. There is no place like home that will take the path of least resistance and believe rapists over their own daughter.

The saying is so true. There is no place like home.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The DO NOT'S of a confidant.

I have heard all reactions before and so have many other survivors (unfortunately).
People have said they believe me and still others have said they don't believe a word of it. 

If you find yourself face to face with an assault victim giving their story, PLEASE be careful how you react or respond. Be ONLY supportive. You don't have to have the answers or even understand it. Sexual assault is complicated to say the least. Don't be afraid if you yourself need to get help after learning of such a horrific nightmare.

For a guide on what NOT to do please read this post by Anahvia Mewborn,

Friday, June 7, 2013

Steubenville Meets Stupidville

 Dear Readers,

 According to the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), rape is the second most violent crime, trailing only murder. - RAINN.ORG

So why is this happening?

 Deric Lostutter is a young man who decided to stand up for what was and is right.
He is under investigation for outing rapists by hacking and publishing social media paraphernalia the rapists of the  Steubenville rape case and "friends" posted on the internet. 
He could face up to ten years behind bars; while the rapists he outed? Two years, if society is lucky. 

Why are we protecting a rapists right to privacy? Shouldn't the fact they are a criminal mean that they lost such rights? Why are we considering giving this guy 10 years (or any jail time) and the rapists only 2? The difference being because hacking is a federal crime? Wait! If rape is the most violent crime, second only to murder --according to the FBI,-- how does this make any sense? 
I dare you to argue that the perpetrators are minors. The crime is not minor. Add to the fact these rapists and their peers were the first to post pictures, tweets etc of the rape(s) while it was actually happening.
Why aren't any of these peers (most of whom implied siding with the rapists) being punished? Why is the man calling them out being punished? 

I am not saying that any and everything you post online should fair game for all to see. 
However, if you're a criminal posting evidence of your crimes you obviously wanted to be found out.

Regardless the threat of potentially spending a decade locked up, Lostutter says, "I'd do it again."
For the full interview with Mother Jones  Click here

Please share your thoughts