Monday, July 22, 2013

Not So Pretty Little Liar

Here it is, one of the hardest posts I will ever write.
It is also possibly one of the most important posts for survivors.

I am talking about victim lying. It's where a victim does and says what she's told to, regardless of the truth. The perceived reality is that you must repeat the lies that you're fed or you may die.
It starts with the grooming. The process in which a predator is like a snake. He has bitten you and while he has his fangs deep below the dermis, you become poisoned with his lies and your trusting blood carries his venom through your veins slowly killing you.
Only, it doesn't. No, instead you're allowed to live but, only so long as you're captivated by fear and lies.

Because of our basic human nature to stay alive... to survive, we do our best to do that.
Some get help and get to live fairly normal lives. Far too many of us are not so fortunate.
Many are left to lick our wounds and suck out the poison on our own. We attempt to seek refuge in a safe person. The problem is, predators are born fighters and they know how to come off as a safe haven for an ill soul. They track the patterns of the beaten, scared, and depressed mind and smell the venom of previous attackers. Their mind becomes crazed with this new prey and how to conquer and make it their own. Instead of seeing people, they see a prize to be won. They become addicted to the smell of blood from a once innocent vessel and they hold their "precious" close, choking them.

From innocent beginnings in a cradle, into the developing of a young woman beginning to blossom and on into adulthood, predators followed, craved and abused me.

Then I lied for them. I hid my scars, I wept in the dark, in silence. I kept people at arms length and never let them in to my deep, messed up inner lair. I told almost all
of my abusers at one point or another that I loved them. Before the abuse (during the grooming process) each time I said it, I meant it in that moment. It was never in a romantic way either. I know other survivors have been in that place.
I blamed myself for the anger and abuse against me.
I lied to myself for them... I kept them and the secrets of the hell they put me through close.
I made up stories of how my abusers took care of me and would "never" hurt me.
All lies! I can't tell you how many times I saw the door and didn't run, and I am not talking solely on a physical level. I carry shame from my lies. The lies I was told and learned to tell kept me captive for my rapists and abusers time and again. It helped me be a target for the next predator sniffing for fresh blood.
Learning to tell lies is not something I ever did well but, it has been the destruction of so much of my life. I told lies and then I was the one left to suffer for it.
Many survivors feel what I mean when I say if the price paid for the hell done to me, ended with me... then I could recover so much easier. It didn't end with me. Other survivors came from the hell I endured and more will come. Those I love today suffer the consequences of loving someone who is messed up. I try hard everyday but, I am still messed up. 

 It is no lie I was abused, raped and held against my will.
 It is no lie I suffer from P.T.S.D. and battle between anxiety and depression.
 It is no lie my marriage has suffered greatly for my lies about my past.
 Do I still lie? Yes, we all do but, I lie for no one else anymore.
I am not proud of this but, I am learning the healing power of transparency.
I am deeply humbled by the love and perseverance of those who have stuck by me through all the lies and coming clean. In the same notion I don't blame those who couldn't continue on with me. I only have anger with those who chose to protect my abusers. That's the truth.


  1. When the abuser pretends to love you, this trains you to tell people what they want to hear. It becomes a reflex thereafter to always tell people what they want to hear. The most abusive people want to believe that they are wonderful loving people, even as they sin. They want to be complimented as they sin, and your agreeing that they love you is the compliment they seek. It gives them carte blanche to do as they please with you. They want to sin with your consent and God's approval. It is a level of depravity beyond ordinary sin.

  2. WOOOOOOO! I got no words but, what you have shared is ON POINT! Thanks for posting!