Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Emotional Relapse

Dear Readers,
Some of you have noticed I was absent in my posts for several days.
I was out of town with family. For survivors, vacations can be just as nerve racking as they are refreshing. Some survivors cannot even take vacations outside of their homes.
My trip was wonderful, it's being back home that has been hard. I learned things about myself and those around me and today I just need to let it out. 

Since being home I've not really rested. My body has been a wreck. This is not typical jet lag. It's more than adjusting to time zones and altitudes.
I can't stay awake. I also can't stay asleep. I'm exhausted. Nightmares chase me relentlessly. I can feel flashbacks coming on. I jolt awake time and again at night. I have to keep moving or I doze off during the day. My jaw is sore from grinding teeth. My heart skips beats in the night. My sense of smell has been heightened. My sense of taste seems gone.  Body memories are being triggered.
I am feeling small and just see storm clouds of impending doom.
I'm so sad.
I want to reach out and help. I want to be available but, I can't.
It was so important to paint me as an enemy. I could've helped... But, now I can't. My heart aches for her, the one who hurts like me. Why are we keeping wrongs a secret?

Is today a day rapists have won?
So many people are pulling for me to get myself together.
Today, I'm just a mess.

Does not wisdom cry? and understanding put forth her voice?
                                                                           Proverbs 8:1

Today, I understand so much as a survivor, more than I did as a victim. I am crying today.


  1. You are the writer. You described exactly how I feel during a long time-weeks-panic attack episode. I have only done it 2 or 3 times, but it takes your life until it is over. And Pepper I promise with all I am you will get through this. Hang in and breathe and be kind to yourself. It will pass.

  2. Thank you, Patti.
    Writing this post helped me work out it. I am better rested now and feel like my head is on straight again, for the most part. :-)
    It is bittersweet to know others understand this struggle first hand along with me.
    I am encouraged by the love and support of those with this understanding and saddened that anyone has ever had to know the hell that causes these "episodes."
    (((Safe hugs)))