Monday, July 29, 2013

A Day In The Life Of A Partner

Wake up, roll over look at your survivor.
You study her with your eyes to see if you can find signs that tell if she spent the night fighting off nightmares, or if this was a "good" night for her. You won't really know until she wakes up and you see her eyes. You, however had nightmares of your own and anxiety kept you from resting in your sleep for fear or touching her and causing a trigger.
When she wakes up, her eyes tell you what her curled up under the blankets state couldn't.
She had to face HIM again or THEM as it were. Your heart sinks... those monsters where in YOUR bed again... and by yours you mean the one you and her share only.
Now you're faced with the first inner battle of the day, to touch or not to touch?
If you chose to reach out and touch her, how do you it in a way that is reassuring and none triggering? Is now the time, or should you wait? You wonder "Am I seeing beginning signs of flashbacks or pain?"
You want so bad to rescue her but, you're helpless in knowing how you can.
Breakfast; will she eat? Did she take her medicine? What are her struggles today?
Later in the day you wonder if she wants to talk about it, the nightmare(s) and if you can or should talk about your own.  "How dare I burden her with my nightmares when she is reliving her own hell every night?" You have to share with someone and you don't want to tell just anyone what you're going through. Few others would understand and this is not just YOUR  issue, it's her's too.
You don't want to scrutinize everything but, you question everything with your survivor. 
She is in recovery and needs you but, what happens when she doesn't need you anymore? How will her need for you in her life change?
What happens the next time someone tries to take advantage of her and you're not there?
Will she fight? Will she freeze? Will it be the beginning of the end?

You try to let things go and understand you have no control over them but, they do cause you much grief.

You wonder if she understands healthy boundaries between herself and others. Her history tells you no. Her history also tells you she lies. She lied for and about her abusers. She lied to everyone and to you.  You wonder what is she lying to you about now either on purpose or by omission. Is it just her past or is there more?
You deeply love her, she makes you happy and you make her happy. She needs you in order to feel safe and you kind of love that about the relationship. You also find it sad at times how badly she needs and depends on you.

Stand outside, light your cigarette, let it's deep orange embers and puffs of smoke put you in a trance.
She sits next to you puffing her own. Her eyes look tired but, happy and content.
You hold hands and exchange knowing and endearing glances. How can this creature, your survivor be capable of all this moment holds and brings you...after all the hell she's been through?
How is she not dead inside? You know you play a huge part in that but, still... her strength about some things baffles you. You find interesting at the very least the things she is strong in and forget at times just how weak she can be too.
The dynamics of her are captivating and inescapable. If there was no past and therefore issues she suffers from because of it, she would seem almost perfect.
Oh but, there is a past... a deep, ugly past and she is not past her past... and neither are you.
It's so unfair the unbridled passion and love you have for each other that feels forever tainted by this one damning piece of the puzzle.
Looking at her, a part of you can't imagine not feeling this passion for her forever. Your mind knows that it can't handle the torment of watching her suffer from a past you can't rescue her from forever either. You have so much you're left to work through and figure out.
You chose peace, again... like you did yesterday and the day before and all the days before that from the day you first committed yourself to her.  Peace doesn't seem to do a good job of finding you but, you chose it and stay, holding your survivor and embracing all the love you have and share with her.

At night you wait for her signal to tell you if there will be any passionate love to be made tonight.
You let her make all the first moves and enjoy her expression of love being lavished on you with her tender touch.
When in the throws of passion your mind tries to get lost in the moment but there seems at times this little voice "If you get to dominant you might trigger her." and you have to take captive thoughts like "Are her monsters attempting to infiltrate her mind now? Is that reaction a good one or a bad one? Is that breath simply a breath or is she mentally stepping out?"
As you both lay in the after glow you hope it was only good for her and you're concerned to voice anything else but satisfaction for yourself. You don't want to discourage her and you did enjoy the encounter. Your hope is that with time and more healing the day will come you can take her to a whole new depth of passion.

You reach over and hold her close. Your pulse matches hers. "I love you, forever" she says.You respond "I love you too." You both attempt to drift off to sleep and some nights it's successful, other nights it's impossible.You pray for mercy on her in her sleep and for yourself.
You hope you never give up on this daily fight. What you may not know is... she understands this... all of this you're feeling and more. She wishes you were not this tormented but, she knows.
Take comfort.

Written by me, Joy, a survivor for my husband James. I love you forever, Poppa... and... I know.

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