Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Get Over It

In an attempt to ... Actually I'm not sure what I was thinking but, I decided to let my sister back in my life recently. It was short lived.
I was proud of myself for handling it they way I did. I reminded myself that I deserved a healthy relationship -not just any relationship I could possible make work - like in previous attempts with my sister.

She instigated it actually. She sent a friendly exchange and I felt it was a good sign. I let her know up front that, I was willing to have her in my life if we both set fair boundaries.
My boundary was, do not talk about our parents.
Hers, do not talk about the past.

I did not bother to ask what specifically about the past she wanted to avoid but, I took my chance to apologize for my lies and hurting her.
She apologized for her down falls and it seemed like a promising fresh start.
I wanted to Skype with her and we agreed to do so one afternoon. An afternoon I had set aside plans and waited to hear from her. After 2 hours and no word from her I finally sent her a message asking that the next time she can't do something she agreed to, to please let me know even if it was the last minute. It was cordial but, apparently not worthy of a response.

Only 48 hours later she sent me a message to "please pray for mom."

I just shook my head, shrugged my shoulders and showed the message to my husband.
Without saying anything he hugged me and waited until I was ready to speak about it.
I didn't have much to say, I was hurt and disappointed. Actually, I had a lot to say but, none of it would change a thing.   She never responded about not Skyping and then crossed my one and only boundary. I didn't respond to her message.

A few weeks later my sister sent another message "Ok, so I know you are still in the middle of a little hissy fit and probably won't respond to this because you think the silent treatment is the mature thing to do. But I don't care..."

Her transmission continued on with things about recent family happenings. Further disappointed I took a deep breath.
Having a hissy? Doesn't that require some kind of action... Not LACK of response? Silent treatment? So I am immature too? None of it matters though  because... She doesn't care. Wow.

I decided this was all a big misunderstanding, she couldn't possibly mean these things she said (except she did) and regardless I wanted to give her an explanation.

So it began.
Me: What would I be having a "hissy" about?
Her: beats me
Me: Then why assume that's what's going on? Why not ask?
Her: I shouldn't have to. You can act like an adult and just tell me the truth. I don't need games.

...Because assuming I'm having a hissy is the adult thing to do and not a game at all!

Me: There are no games. We had a deal. Don't talk about our parents... You did. That's not a game. It's a boundary you crossed. Also you never responded when I asked you to give me a heads up if you couldn't Skype cause I had planned a whole afternoon around it.
Her: Wow, you like have no grace do you?

Now we are whipping out the Christian-ese guns. Woo!

From there the conversation attempts a turn around. Until she finally admits what is really bothering her. (Note: names are removed for privacy)

Her: For one, I'm upset that you contacted the extended family to tell them about the ---situation. Although I know you say it was because you wanted to protect the other girls. You and I both know that --- hardly ever sees the other girls and never without adult supervision. Go ahead and get mad if you want but I have to be honest and tell you that I don't feel like that was the right thing to do.

Her: The second thing is that all you post on fb is about rape and assault.  You're life has moved so far beyond that. Why don't you focus your energies on something you love instead of the past?

Hold up, isn't this part of the past? Was that not HER boundary? I guess that is my fault for not asking for clarification on what "past" meant before.  In the spirit of being "honest" how about, I don't give a single care what you think about me contacting the family about our rapist relative!
I did my best to remain calm and assertive and not let her push me to having a "hissy."

So, dear readers... Please, tell me. What is the time frame in which a rape and incest victim should Get Over It?
My therapist must not be doing her job because I was unaware of such a time boundary for healing from rape.

The things I post on Facebook are #1 not her problem. #2 Encouraging other survivors like myself #3 Really?
What do I know, it's only my FB page?
My sister continued with page upon page.
Her:  True or not isn't this issue at all. 

...(About me being raped by this relative.) 
I do, however, feel that you were trying to start a family feud 100%. I just think its interesting that instead of talking to me about anything at all (your sister), you chose to tell everyone else in the family. You didn't want me to bare the "horrible burden" but you had no problem telling everyone else. I would just like to know why that makes sense to you. I should have been the first person you told. But instead I am the last. I'm mad at you for that. I mad at you because I was the perfect sister and you treated me like I was an enemy AGAIN. And you know I think this past month of this immature silent treatment just sent me over the edge. I'm sick of reaching out to you and getting burned.
Did I miss something? If my memory serves me correctly, this is the first time since I left town 3 years ago I've heard from her. You caught the part where she was the perfect sister,  right? So, is it safe to assume she doesn't believe me about being raped? I guess, I'm playing more games and trying to "start a family feud." --Because, I emailed other family members about a rapist relative. My bad.
She is right though, I should have told her about being raped before telling others. However, aside from trying  to protect her in the past, I don't recall her being there for me when I confessed to the family about my rapist brother.
 Back to the perfect sister though.

Her: I'm sick of my friends knowing about it all too. I want to get away from it. But you keep talking about it and I feel like they look at me as if something is wrong with my family.

Awe, so you're embarrassed by me and the truth. Ok. Btw, FYI there IS something wrong with the family and it's NOT me.  Also, how can any of her friends (whom I blocked from my FB on purpose) know about my "---situation" unless someone else is talking? Uh and why do we care what they think? Real friends would act like... Real friends.. No?

Her: I want you to get past it and move on with your life. Rehashing it doesn't help anybody no matter what you think. Talking about the Holocaust doesn't help the victims. What truly helps them is a place of peace to heal and start again. The victory is when you become a person that no one ever suspects to have once been a victim.

Oh my goodness! You know about holocaust victims? Who talked about it! Tsk tsk! It was that Anne Frank girl I bet! Glad my sister stopped me  from writing about it. Wait a minute....
Again, my therapist is totally failing, she told me to talk about it. I am supposed to hide it...? Thanks professionals, my sister has all the answers though.

There are more pages but, her final message to me was "I'm done."
I kept calm and let her speak. I knew if I let her blast away I would get a very clear picture of her and what she really believes. My husband told me "People always tell you who they are if you just listen."  Holy cow was he right! This case was no exception.

As disappointing as it all ended, it is equally a relief to know that I don't have to have this in my life. My sister is a grown woman who can't even respect her own boundaries. Her ability to have "Grace" about another's abuse recovery, (let alone her sisters) is non existent. She believes she has a great relationship with her parents and her sister is simply a liar.
I am honestly okay with that. It makes it easier for me to let her go from my life .
I am free to talk about my past and share my story as a survivor of rape and incest. My sister stayed far away from any conversation regarding my oldest brother instrumentally raping me multiple times as a child. She also stayed far away from any conversation about our abusive father.  I guess she has arrived in her healing and doesn't need to talk about these things. No one would ever know her father was the controlling, manipulative, abusive type because of how well she hides it. Except that anyone paying a little bit of attention can tell that's not true at all. I know because I lived like that before. Pretending life was great and there was nothing "off" about the relationship between me and my father or family in general. Many people saw right through me but, no one had nerve to call me out on it. Until my husband.

Her story is her own and she is free to share it how she pleases.
This is my story though and how I care to share it so, get over it.

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