Thursday, January 9, 2014

It's My Day

It has been a while since my last post.

Sometimes it is good to take a break and figure some things out.
Healing is sometimes much like a revolving door; only it is a revolving door that can act as an elevator taking you up and down as you circulate once again through the same hurts and trials.
Sometimes I feel like I am going through the same old hurts, only each time it's a different level or perspective. Like I said, a revolving door that also acts like an elevator and I am still going up (or down) while going through old trials again and again... that is what healing can feel like.
I guess what I am trying to say is, that is how my life has felt and why I have not posted in a while.
I have been dealing with things I thought I had healed only to discover another part that needed more work and healing.

One of these things is resentment. Honestly, resentment is a choice until it reaches a certain point and then it feels like it takes over. I have plenty of reasons to feel resentful. At the end of the day though, I cannot ignore the fact that all those things, are things that I can change now.  
 For example, I grew up home schooled and by home schooled I mean, past third grade, I taught myself everything I know. My parents failed in educating me. I was pulled from public school because my mother felt God had called her to home school all of her children.
Here's the thing, IF you really believe God calls you to do something then you should sell out and do it or tell Him, "uh sorry, you got the wrong one." Because I promise you, God did not call you to take the first step, stop and then say, "Okay, it's yours now I did my part."
This is exactly what my parents did. They took all of the kids that were in school out and the younger kids started kindergarten at home. I was a social butterfly. I had friends, I loved my teachers and most of all I LOVED learning. I was an honor roll student and aspired to stay an honor roll student with perfect attendance forever...well, until I was to graduate high school anyway. 
 When my parents pulled me from school I was depressed for months. I cried a lot because I missed school and my friends. I had to teach myself and it seemed the biggest lesson I learned was, you don't know what you don't know.  My father used this quote all the time but, did nothing to change it for me.
He had an education, my father. He had a degree and opportunities growing up, yet did not provide the same for his kids. My mother barely made it out of high school. Aside from my parents education or lack thereof, neither of them possessed the will power to teach us. My mother read us books and had a wipe off board that she wrote scriptures or lessons on to leave up for days at a time. We took trips to local small town museums and this was extent of our education. There was never a consistent routine and whenever my grandparents called upon us for help at the ranch, we dropped whatever we were doing to go. This lack of structure was problematic for me. I am not a personality type who does well without structure and routine. All this to say that my upbringing has given me great insecurity.  When I "graduated" (was old enough to say I was done with high school.) I immediately went into the work force. I tried later to go to college. Actually, I went to college successfully, sort of,  despite being self taught and lacking any actual math skills. Truth is, I took a remedial math class at a community college. I failed it twice. My math instructor spent HOURS with me in her office teaching and tutoring me. She was so patient and encouraging but, when it came test time, I would freeze.  She told me she could tell it was psychological. She said it looked like I was waiting for someone to hit me for giving the wrong answer. She was right, I was frozen in fear at the memory of my fathers voice calling me stupid. This has left me extremely resentful.

Someday I want to be an inspiring leader, not just to my fellow survivors but to people everywhere.
I have always felt I need a formal education for success like that. Maybe my measurement of what it takes to become successful is wrong. However, there is no denying that a good education never hurts.
I am facing a dilema of sorts in my life. I want to be something great but, I am so used to taking the path of least resistance, what I call the less scary way. I am afraid to go back to school and fail remedial math again. I am afraid to try and pick something to be in life. I fear being locked in and unhappy. I am good at many things and with even a little bit of education I could be the best at something. My confidence is all but shot though. I have to admit that I don't believe in myself to make it through school. I have been too prideful to admit my fears and failures. It has been EASY to say I just did not have the finances to go to school.

So, here I am facing more effects from the lack of education that was NOT my fault --and I say it in the past tense because now I am an adult and it is on me to fight and get an education or not. I can continue with my training as a nurse aide and try to be content with that and being a good wife and mom. There is nothing wrong with that if I choose that and no one would fault me for it. Yet, inside my heart of hearts... there is a hope in me that cries for more. It's been stifled for too long by fear and pride. I have let resentment steal enough of what I could have someday been.

It is a new year, more than that it is a new day. It's my day. I get to choose my routine and structure. It is my day to learn how to use a calculator. It is my day to learn how to read a face clock. It is my day to take a baby step and set a goal.

Survivors, it's so easy to choose resentment because it is less scary than facing forgiveness. There is no shame if you are not ready to go there yet. The only shame is if we choose to stay in our resentment and let it steal from us even one more moment from who we COULD someday be. I can not sit here typing this and lead you to believe that I forgive my parents for my lack of education. I don't.
I do however, forgive myself for being prideful and afraid all this time about it.
It's my day.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for writing this. I feel as though I understand where you are coming from and I can feel a stirring inside my own heart when I read this. I want to do great things despite the horrible life I've had. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this battle. Keep writing because you definitely have a gift.