Sunday, September 1, 2013

Abnormal Anger

It is not that my anger is abnormal in that it is not natural to feel the degree or amount of anger I feel right now. I am not an angry person but, when I get angry it's a full blown righteous fury.  It is however abnormal in the fact that a human should ever have to be angry for the reason I am. 
They, (my relatives, parents, and siblings) are all friends with my rapist on facebook, TO THIS DAY!
How do I know?
I trolled and looked. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, maybe a sign they missed me. Something that told me, I was wrong about them being the self righteous morons they really are.
In my search for a lie, I found a truth that hurt me deeply.
To this day, after everything they are all still in contact with my last rapist. Why didn't I expect that?

When I told them about my brother they covered it up and he was invited to all the family events like nothing ever happened. I however couldn't even be looked at or spoken to by my father.
My father, who by the way is a coward and abuser as well.
My father whom I can count on one hand how many times in my life he said he loved me and each time was after a big fight.
My father who never loved me for who I was, instead only because of the fact I was his daughter and, that "love" diminished the more he realized I was slipping away from his overbearing controlling ways.

My mother believed that because of what my brother had done to me, I would always make bad decisions and never recover from the damage done to me.... I was broken in her eyes.
This woman who gave birth to me and claimed she had prayed with church elders for me before my birth, she chose a rapist over me. First her son, then her husband's cousin. I guess her choosing an abusive husband over her kids (in both of her marriages) I should have known better. I guess rapists aren't broken, just their victims.  I guess it is important to protect rapists from the wrath of their broken victims.
How could you mom?

I can bet NONE of my five brothers has any clue what happened to me in Tulsa and even if they knew, they couldn't believe it. That would be far too risky to have an opinion about something that did not align with dearest mother and father, no matter how true it was.
My brothers are all Yes men, they would never ask me about any of it. I wish I could tell them but, it wouldn't matter now. If they had wanted to know the truth they could have called. They could have emailed. Shoot, they could have trolled on any of the mainstream social media sites like I did when I found out they were friends with a rapist.
The last time I heard from one of my brothers he did invite me to his wedding. It was a peace offering in his mind...a way of letting me know that even though I was the prodigal he was reaching out to me. (A picture I knew my parents painted for him.) When I tried to share the truth with him about how our parents chose a rapist over me his response was "You shouldn't let a so-called rapist keep you from your family and from letting your son have grandparents."
Our conversation dropped off and I haven't heard from him since.
I hope I never do either.
He didn't believe me, or that would not have been his reaction.
I tried to tell myself he just didn't understand, that he was just so excited about getting married. The truth is the lack of his attempts to stay in contact with me after that day... it proves he doesn't believe me.

I grew up in a big family and all of my siblings and I were close, I used to think that anyway. The truth is, the only time we banded together was when we were in mutiny with our parents for something. My sister was the favorite. She was daddy's girl and my brothers liked her better because she was stronger than me and calmer too.
I was (and still am) a twig. I had too many opinions and stubbornness to boot. Even though I was not a daddy's girl, I wasn't exactly my mothers best friend either.
She once told me that, I was the girl she hated in school. She had no idea how she could have raised such a child.
The girl she hated in school was the pretty, popular, good at anything she wanted to attempt.... girl.
Which is funny because, I was never that girl... I was homeschooled, nerdy and clueless about my sad clumsy awkwardness. I was literally too stupid to know when other girls were hating on me or pitying me and why. I didn't fit in but, I didn't have time to really care either. I had things I wanted to pursue. Like singing, modeling, riding and training horses, running my grandparents ranch and more.

 I still suffer so much loss because of what all my abusers (and family) did to me.
I barely sing now, I haven't been around a horse in years, I'll never walk the runway like I once did and I will never see my grandparents ranch again.

Enough about the loss. It's been painful but, not because I lost my family or these dreams I had. The painful truth is the realization that I never had a family. Family does not pick rapists over their children. Family does not cover up the transgression of one sibling against another.
As for my other dreams well, I am dreaming bigger now and I have support in pursuing them.
With my real family. 

I am so angry today. They chose a rapist over me... they gave and continue to give me the finger, because I told the truth! Why do I care? It's just facebook and it's just my relatives who chose to make it clear I was no longer welcome in the family. 
Trust me, I don't WANT to care... but, I do. 
If they wanted to hide this "friendship" with my rapist it could have been done easily. They chose to add this monster as a friend after UN-friending him when the truth came out a few years ago. They chose to make a public proclamation they choose him over me.
I just wanted so bad for them to lie, to hide it, to tell me they loved me and everything was "honky-dory" between us all.  I wanted this so badly and instead I got a truth that crushed me.

In the search for a lie that will make you feel better, you will find a truth so painful it will break you.

That, is how I feel today. 


  1. This is such a heart-breaking post Joy. Your name is so wrong for you. There is no joy in your heart right now, just anger. And rightfully so. I ache for you. l'm just glad that you have found love with your husband. I'd say to hell with the rest of them! Life is too short, believe me at 67, to spend it agonizing over what we can't have instead of appreciating what we do have. And that includes a family like yours that isn't worthy of the name "family".

  2. Your support is appreciated. Today, I am angry. I hurt and feel a lot of confusion. However, this is just one day. I may be better tomorrow or this may take me a few days to process. Regardless, I refuse to allow myself to stay in this place of anger. I am allowing myself to work through these emotions. I cannot allow this day to cause me to forget the joy I find in my freedom from rapists and abusers. I cannot lose sight of how far I have come since leaving that place and those people. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful healthy son and I will get past this. They (my relatives) cannot hurt me anymore and I find joy in that and chose to find joy in my life beyond this day.

  3. I completely agree with Cruiseroo. Your former "family, " the one with whom you grew up, was one by name only. Your lovely husband and son are your true family now, and they deserve all your focus. Best wishes to you in your journey of healing. Thank you for writing your blog and for encouraging others to step up in this fight against rapists. You are an incredible woman, and I salute you.