Monday, December 31, 2012

Young Enough and Old Enough.


Here I am at the young yet, old age of 25 years old.
I find a deep bitterness trying to grow in me.
Anger and hatred planted so deep it will cause much pain to rid myself of it.

My mother tried to contact me around my birthday.
It's like she wants to try anything she can to ruin what should be happy days for me.
There is some small part of me that wants to believe she doesn't have motives and genuinely wants to be a part of my life. I hate that soft part of me... that weakness that longs to have my mom back... It's just a big manipulation.

My most recent struggle is the war of whether or not to go back to school. I am young enough it wouldn't be a big deal... for most anyway. The other side of the coin is, I am just old enough that it may be harder to get back into than I can handle. I have no high school transcript, no SAT scores, no ACT scores, nothing. A few credit hours at a previous community college but, nothing to shake a stick at.
This all because my parents lied and said "God" told them to home school. I believe it's possible He told them to do so. However, they didn't. They simply pulled us out of school and put us to work on the ranch. Everything I know, I taught myself post 3rd grade. The only problem with this is, you don't know what you don't know and things like Math, Science and Biology fall to the way side.

The long and short of it is, if I go back to school I need to want it, bad, and be ready to struggle harder to reach my goals. Oh, and figuring out what my goals are.

There are so many things looking back that cause me a great deal of hurt, anger, and frustration.
Beyond my lack of education and opportunities there is so much I feel cheated out of.
I feel like my passions I had in my youth have been stripped from me and the only passion I feel (outside of my love for my husband) is anger at my relatives.
I feel disconnected with the very gifts that once kept me tethered to this world.
 Music barely touches me, it used to be what pulled cleansing tears from the once secret hurts of my soul.  Horses used to be my heart beat. I haven't even touched one in over a year.

Maybe this is the feeling of lost.

It is time to find a way to let go of  yet another ugly hurt and bring a pulse back to my decayed and decrepit inner being.

I am hoping this new year brings new beginnings but, I know better than to expect those beginnings will thrust themselves upon me.
I must to take it a day at a time and build strength to take those days by force instead of the usual passive lethargic existence I've found myself struggling with once again.

I'm just walking it out.

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