Thursday, August 30, 2012

Spit balling

I am so angry,

I am angry at the people who never protected me.

I am angry at other rape victims who did not report and could have possibly saved  me from this hell.

I am angry that I have to be the brave one who is exposed and vulnerable to the scrutiny of liars and accusers in order to seek justice.

I am angry that I have been a fool and was trained to take a beating and rape time and again.

I am angry that my whole life was spent learning how to mask everything with a religious falseness so as not to disappoint or shame my "family."

I am angry that rapists can time and again CHARM their way in and out of the lives of victims and get away with the horror and damage that they leave in their wake.

I am angry that pictures of my body taken by a rapist are being used in total strangers spank banks and porn addictions DAILY!

I am furious that it will take telling my story AGAIN and even showing these pictures to more strangers before I have a chance... just a chance at justice.

I am angry that my nightmares can't be bottled up and used as evidence to prosecute this rapist.

I am angry my husband has to see or even know of such things.

I am also scared...

I am scared that I will lose... and he, my rapist will be STILL be free.

I am scared that one day I will have to tell my son SOMETHING about why mommy can't sleep good or cries from time to time for no apparent reason.

I am so angry and afraid that I don't have a mom to support me but instead she chose a rapist over me.

I am so angry that she is missing out on my life and sons life and I can't trust her to be safe and help me.

I am so angry that it is me and my husband against the whole evil of rapists and abusers.

I am tired... tired of fighting depression and fear. I am tired of not resting when I sleep because I am running and fighting in my nightmares. I am so tired of hurting, I am tired of hiding but, I am also tired of being brave.

I'm tired of feeling so much and yet it's the strongest part of me... feeling.

WHY?! Why EVERYTHING?! Why me?

How do I get past this and focus on something bigger than me when this IS bigger and consumes me?

When? When do I get peace? When do I get justice?

When will the morning come that I wake up and the day is not a battle to get through?

 Where is Christ in this? Where?

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