Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Perfect Storm.

"You are so ugly." says the voice in my head.
The sun is shining and beams of light penetrate through the layers of curtains and shades that cover my windows. This scene playing out in the mirror of self hatred, disgust and shame looks ridiculous to those looking in. I get paid to model, walk the run way, pose for pictures and host public events because I am beautiful physically, or at least that what the agents tell me.
All I see is a skeletal frame of a starving woman's body with a frightened little girl trapped in her eyes.

I hear my phone buzzing on top of my vanity. It's a text and my already tired and wounded soul takes another hit and shudders. It's him. He wants to know what I am doing... what time is my next class and when I will be home. I respond with the wanted facts and then he texts me again "wuts wrong? wheres my girl today?" my heart sinks and that stupid knot of torture forms in my throat. This is a subtle manipulative text that I must respond to with enthusiasm and some form of happiness no matter how fake. "I'm here handsome just gettin ready for class. don't wanna b late" I hate myself a little more now for speaking this way but, I know if I don't the consequences will be hell to pay.

How did I get here? I am trapped in a house with a rapist, a cousin rapist no less.
Why don't I run? Where the hell is my sense of self preservation? These are questions - that at time of this real life scene in front of my looking glass is taking place,- I am not even mentally capable of having on my own.
I am sleep and nutrition deprived. All my actions and reactions to any and everything are fueled by fear, shame and manipulation by my rapist. I don't see a pretty run way model with a perfect body. I see a skeletal frame covered in scared skin and sunken eye. If it weren't for my eyes and something in them begging for hope... I'd look dead. I look all but dead today.

Oh how nice it would be to lay down on this bed and put my head on a pillow and never wake up again. I think to myself. I am to cowardly to take my own life but, there will be nights I spend begging God to have mercy and take me away, and He won't.

This how I ended up here.
I had just lost my grandfather a few months prior to this day. I wanted a change in my life from a dead end job to a career and education. I also had a fiance and wanted to be closer to him and his college. I needed to move to the big city, away from my small town rural life.
This man, my cousin a 59 year old divorced man offered me a place to "crash." Encouraged by my own parents I took him up on his offer. I had tentatively planned on working and going to school and at some point getting my own place hopefully with my fiance... my soon to be husband...who never had any intention of marrying me.
I trusted this man... this family member, this undercover monster.
 He groomed me, built up my trust, helped me find a job and get into college.
Then it happened, I had a miscarriage with my fiance and we broke up after I finally realized he was a liar and not ever going to marry me. I was devastated and relieved all at once.
After all the abuse as a child I never developed a sense of self worth. I knew I didn't have the strength or self love to leave my fiance for myself. It took losing an innocent life and realizing my someday children deserve a better father than that. I couldn't leave for me but, for my now dead child I would never even look back.
 It was a perfect storm for my predator cousin. He introduced me to drinking. I was a pathetic lightweight. I had only consumed 3 shots of wine before in my entire life. I had an entire beer and was passed out of the couch after crying myself to sleep.
I also had been to see my Doctor for chronic back pain from an injury sustained working on the family farm like a man. I was prescribed pain medications to take at night or when my back pain became unbearable. After my miscarriage my back pain returned with a vengeance.
Every night I fell asleep after drinking and or taking my pain medication.

Then the rapes began.

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