Why?

For the next several days and possibly weeks, I will be sharing my early writings of recovery.
This one is called "Why?"

It’s pitch black all around...I can hear my breathe growing heavier with each moment.
I see faces from the past, hear voices that haunt me and, laughter of an evil kind.
Each step leads to another realm of yet, another nightmare.
My mind was flooded with things I had forgotten or, at least had hoped was the case. There were things that in reality could never come to pass. Fear, I had hoped would never resurface in my dreams was here once more.

Each night I face each one of them and survive by any means.  I was accustomed to seeing a little girl, crouched down in a corner wearing a tattered, once white dress. Tears filled her eyes as each night mare ravished her mind over and over again.

This night, that girl adorned in the same worn out garment was standing, only now as a woman.  Like a whirl wind they came, rushing into my sleep and stealing my breath away.
Taunting and jeering at me as they used to and totally unaware of who they were now dealing with.
In the beginning of the night I let them have their way....and then I asked myself... why?

A three letter simple and yet powerful question that, instead of ruining my night, it marred theirs.
I stood my ground, tears, anxiety and all. I made my way out of each layer of horror and doom. Step by step, I walked on unfamiliar territory and trusted MYSELF to get out unharmed. I didn’t hide, cry and wait, hoping the morning light would save me. I took control and faced each one of them...I stood toe to toe confronting and dictating to them how the game was played now.
It won't be, not anymore... there is no such thing as playing nice for nightmares and therefore  no game at all.
I deserved better, better rest...better dreams, better self love, better peace...peace at all.

I awoke exhausted from my nightmares and terrors. I was free now though and savored my victory, even though I know this may not be my last crusade. I know now I am fully equipped to deal out any blows and take back control.


When you're in the dark and the nightmares come for you... ask yourself "Why?" Why am I allowing this? Why is this okay? Why am I still here with these monsters? Why can't I tell them no? Why can't I fight? Why can't I win?